erotophilia.com

Question:
I’m a 45 year old male. When I was younger, I couldn’t imagine sharing my lover with another man. Now that I’m more sexually experienced and have “grown up,” I really am really turned on by the idea of swinging. The trouble is my wife is totally turned off by it like I used to be when I was “sexually immature.” We are constantly fighting about this. How can I make this happen? When will my wife “grow up” in her sexual maturity and see it the way I do? (Chuck U., Denver, CO)

Unfortunately, maybe never. This really isn’t a matter of sexual maturity. It’s great that you’re more open to more ideas now, but people aren’t guaranteed to evolve into engaging in any sort of sexual practice. Sure, most people evolve sexually over their lifetime, but not necessarily into anything in particular. Sometimes it’s this, sometimes it’s that, sometimes it’s a minor difference, and sometimes it’s a major one. No matter how old I get, I still don’t really fully appreciate British humo(u)r, even though someone told me I’d “eventually get it.” If you can figure out how to map exactly where someone will end up sexually and how to get there, you’ll be rich, famous, and go down in sexological history. I’ll write you E-mails!

Swinging works for millions of people, but all partners must be in agreement. My advice to you is to just wait on this. Constantly pressuring your wife into it is just going to turn her off to the idea more and more. And mentally manipulating her so that she reluctantly agrees to do it will leave your experience short of where you wish it would be. Maybe she’ll eventually be interested in this and maybe she won’t. Maybe you’ll maintain interest and maybe you won’t.

None of this means that you can’t work with this issue. What part is it about swinging that you think you’d really enjoy? Bring those ideas into the bedroom, if possible. Would you enjoy watching her go down on some other man while you pleasured her? Maybe see if she’d perform oral sex on her vibrator as you have sex with her. Is the idea of having sex with someone new attracting you to this idea? Role play. Or perhaps go out and pick her up in a bar like she’s a total stranger; flirt, buy her drinks, seduce her as you might someone brand new. You can use your fantasies to make it as real as possible. Be creative with ways to substitute what you would like from each other that you’re having a hard time getting. Best of luck!